January 13, 2025
2025 is off to a tricky start in Southern California. Amidst the typical post-winter break blues and pressure of New Year’s resolutions is an unusual heaviness. Everywhere we look, there is another fire that’s popped up, a school evacuated, a devastating photo or video of profound loss. We can’t escape it.
Parenting in the midst of heaviness is challenging.
We have our own feelings. Maybe we’ve been through this before and feel extra on edge. Maybe we’re frustrated with how others are handling the stress. Perhaps, both.
In addition to whatever we are feeling, we must parent. Do we stuff our feelings and pretend hard things aren’t happening? Do we share with our children about how we’re feeling (and risk freaking them out)? Do we provide age-appropriate information alongside whatever they are hearing (and smelling) at school? If you’re like me, you’re flip-flopping between all three options.
In the last two weeks, here are the great and not-so-great things I’ve done:
I have spent way too much time on my phone on Watch Duty and social media.
- Data helps me when I feel anxious, but I can easily obsess over it.
I have thought a lot about the fire in my neighborhood when I was child – more on that below.
- Some of the thinking has been productive, and some of it has not.
I freaked out my daughter and shared too much information with her – about containment percentages and evacuation zones.
- Then, I worked hard to “un-freak her out” by providing age-appropriate concrete information like reassurance about how we are safe, and we have plans if needed.
I reassured my son when his school strangely reeked of smoke despite the nearest fire being far away.
- But…I also broke my own rule of not texting him during school hours.
My husband and I are both from LA, and we’ve reached out to friends and colleagues in the area.
- I have volunteered at Project:Camp in LA to help lead a camp for children who have been displaced by the fires.
It’s been a lot.
I’m someone who tends to have deep thoughts about almost everything, but these past three weeks have led to extra reflection.
*This is what I’ve noticed as a human (and as someone who has been through this before):
Parents are on edge.
- We’ve realized all the things we take for granted. We feel simultaneously powerless and responsible for everyone and everything.
Kids are seeking consistency and reassurance.
- And they are still laughing, playing, and being silly. They are also sad, scared, and feel untethered.
The helpers are everywhere – volunteering, donating, supporting, sharing.
- There is so much help and care being freely given.
**This is what I know as a professional:
Play is therapeutic – for children and adults.
- Positive distraction is a gift that we can give our kids and ourselves through games, books, shows, yummy foods, and exercise, etc.
Gratitude takes effort but is worth it.
- We can find small joys and appreciations, but they are trickier to notice in difficult times because our brains naturally look for danger.
Trauma and crisis affect people differently.
- It’s hard to understand and depends on so many factors – genes/family history, personality/mental health, previous trauma, social support, etc.
A Few Notes
*A personal note: I grew up next to Eaton Canyon in Pasadena (home of the Eaton Fire). I watched my neighborhood Kinneloa burn down when I was nine years old. We were in the lucky 50% whose homes did not burn down. And it was still traumatizing. I can still see the flames on our street as we drove away. I can still see my melted swing set and the charred sticks that used to be my favorite trees. I can see our burned down barn, greenhouse, and car. They are the most vivid memories of my life. I had a difficult time for a very long time. I still do sometimes. There’s no making perfect sense of it. It was traumatizing, and it is easily reawakened. I know so many people in our Outpost community have also lived through fires in the last few decades. The personal and collective memories are vivid and scary, and they make current threats even more unsettling.
**A professional note: In working with combat veterans at the VA for several years, I have seen firsthand that reactions to trauma are difficult to make sense of. It is easy to feel weak when you are struggling, especially if it seems like you are struggling more than the people around you who experienced the same thing. There are many different factors that make us more or less predisposed to having anxious reactions. And thankfully, there are many effective evidence-based treatments for PTSD and anxiety.
The purpose of this blog is to encourage grace for yourself if you’re struggling and grace for others whether they are coping with tragedy up close or fearing its possibility.
My own goal now and always is to be curious, to be kind, and be a “noticer of the good” as much as I can. There is so much help to give, and there is so much help being offered. I have seen enormous parking lots covered in donated clothes and bottled water and supplies. I saw a Google sheet being shared around LA containing 1000(!) names of therapists offering free crisis counseling. Project:Camp is offering free camps in LA for the third straight week and at 10 different locations.
The helpers are everywhere.
(See “Talking to Kids about Difficult Things” for more ideas if needed.)
Dr. Kelly Jones
Executive Director, Outpost Summer Camps
“We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” Brené Brown
